the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
