I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
