i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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