fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize