When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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