she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
