i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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