Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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