why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
