i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
