i think i have two assholes
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
