Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
