Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
