My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
