Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
