I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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