In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
