I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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