I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
