You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
