it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
