Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
