There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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