I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
