On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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