Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
