oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
