There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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