the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this boner is exhausting
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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