I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize