I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
