Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize