I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
