last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
