Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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