Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
