Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
