I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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