He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
