she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
