Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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