Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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