Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
