Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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