I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
