I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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