She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
