I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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