I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize