i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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