Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He felt like a one man threesome
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
