i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
