u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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