seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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