just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize