but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
