What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
