I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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