I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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