Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
it's like heaven, but drunker
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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