I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
