I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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